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“Please Explain”: Being an Account of the Fauxists seeking the advice of a financial expert on the Global Economic Crisis

Posted by Regrette Etcetera on September 4, 2009

Excerpted from: “Co(s)mic Locusts & Global Economic Apocalypse: Fauxist International working papers on the machinations of the Global Economic F(l)ux”- upcoming publication to be presented at “Seeing Through the Empires New Clothes: Extending strategies for anticapitalist struggle against the economic crisis”, September 12-13@ the Redfern Community Centre, Sydney.


Many people- some yet among the Fauxists- have admitted to understanding no large amount of why, how and when the Global Economic Crisis (GEC) has occurred, having become mired in crypto-statistical and financial jargon and the hugger-buggery of politicians. In order to assuage such ignorance, the Fauxists invited (at no small cost) Dan Stephens, advisor to CommSec and expert in financial analysis to a recent meeting to Please Explain to Us the machinations of the current crisis. The following is a distillation of the information given to us by Dan. For an in-depth treatment of the GEC see Dan’s blog at


Then made the Financial Expert this sign. His left hand all open, he lifted up into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof, and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose. Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air. Then contrarily he did with the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he had done with the right. Regrette, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking fixedly upon the Financial Expert. The Fauxist divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the Financial Expert was a leper. If being present, the counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore. The Financial Expert for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three master- fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Regrette. Then joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little finger touched the right. Hereat Regrette, without speaking one word, lift up his hands and made this sign. He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of the left hand. Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and thrusting them towards Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert. Then did he put the thumb of his left hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his right eye. Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and made him this sign. With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of the palm or pulp- which is under the thumb. Then put he the forefinger of the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not over, as Regrette did. Then Regrette knocked one hand against another, and blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out. Then held he out his chin, most intentively looking upon Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert. The people there, which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he demanded, without speaking a word to Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert, “What do you mean by that?” In effect, Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. Then he bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with this sign lift up his hands as high as he could. Whereupon Regrette presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising let a great baker’s fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell. The company began to stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left hand he laid flat upon his breast. Whereat Regrette drew out his long codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange, and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert. After that, Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig’s bladder. Whereupon Regrette put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called St. Patrick’s hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth. This done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it, making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs, and this he did for sixteen times; but Dan, Our Esteemed Financial Expert did always keep blowing like a goose. Then Regrette put the forefinger of his right hand into his mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out, and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and he did it nine times. Then Regrette rose up, and did very kindly thank the said Expert, and with a cloying voice said unto all the people that were there: “My Fauxists, gentlewomen, and others, at this time You have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, You have seen how this disciple hath satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him, without speaking either word or half word. But, in fine, I will reduce into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed, that everyone may learn as I have done. Go now, and think upon what thou have most felicitously received”. Thereafter, all the Fauxists swooned and fell about, and began at length to plan their publications.


Stay tuned to NFTFI for further excerpts from “Co(s)mic Locusts & Global Economic Apocalypse: Fauxist International working papers on the machinations of the Global Economic F(l)ux”.

See for information on the “Seeing Through the Empires New Clothes” conference.


One Response to ““Please Explain”: Being an Account of the Fauxists seeking the advice of a financial expert on the Global Economic Crisis”

  1. […] on April 27, 2010 As part of our publication Co(s)mic Locusts,  We featured a number of articles on the Global Economic Crisis (GEC). Using speculative literature and interviews with renowned […]

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