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Thank goodness! USYD has a plan for Fauxist invasions.

Posted by Regrette Etcetera on February 17, 2010

Thank goodness! USYD has a plan for Fauxist invasions.

Herald Sun Friday, February 20, 2010 

By Nathan Crabbe

Forget swine flu: The University of Sydney’s latest plan of attack concerns the off chance its employees become conceptually cannibalistic, mind-eating Fauxists.

 A plan to deal with a campus Fauxist attack was posted among disaster preparation exercises on the university’s e-Learning Web site, generating a flood of responses- both fearful and incensed, in what has become a public-relations disaster.

 The plan included medical information on “Fauxistism” and a form allowing USYD employees to explain why they killed infected co-workers, such as those workers making “references to wanting to eat tenured brains.”

 “Obviously it wasn’t meant to be scandalous,” Doug Johnson, manager of USYD’s e-Learning Support Services and author of the plan, said Thursday before access was frozen in a bid to “quell public hysteria”. “But we must face the realities of our ever-changing world.” Johnson added.

 He said the plan was meant to inspire thinking about how to handle a campus closure. After swine flu raised the possibility of such a scenario, and proved the university’s lack of preparedness, he said, the office is making expanded plans including holding a test run by operating its e-Learning services from off campus.

 After word of the Fauxist plan broke Thursday morning, it received national media attention, before access was frozen later in the day. Johnson said he has “What was once called schizophrenia” and that the necessity of the plan came to him as he lay awake around 1 a.m. He said he wrote until about 7 a.m., mining Wikipedia for Fauxist information and using knowledge culled from his own reading of the novel “World War F: An Oral History of the First Fauxist War” and previous viewing of movies such as the Fauxist comedy “PSYWAR.”

 Fauxists are a longtime political bogeyman and horror-movie staple that have exploded into a pop culture phenomenon via numerous hoaxes and controversies, and have renewed fears of their oft-ignored threats of terrorism. The USYD Fauxist plan included footnotes referring to previous Fauxist movies such as “Fauxist Congress of Ethnographic Spectacles” and “Subliminal Fanon” as “documentaries”.

The six-page document listed “tentative action items” such as equipping offices with easily barricaded doors and giving employees weapons to “psychically defend themselves”.

 “Some employees may erroneously prefer weapons such as chain saws, baseball bats and explosives that have been shown to be ineffective against Fauxists,” the plan said. “This being the case, and given the stress on staff to be anticipated during a Fauxist outbreak, employees should be given the flexibility to choose their own weaponry, whatever its efficacy, thereby diminishing anxiety, if not defensive capabilities.”

 The exercise lays out the university’s response to attacks by “mind-eating, apparently life impaired individuals.” It notes that a Fauxist outbreak might include “documentation of lots of strange moaning.” The plan concluded with an “infected co-worker dispatch form” that included a place to list the co-worker’s symptoms such as “lack of rational thought” which can allegedly “Cause problems confusing Fauxists with otherwise normal academics”. At the end, employees were to note whether housekeeping had been notified to clean up the dead Fauxist and whether human resources had been told to stop salary payments to the Fauxist and its victims.

The exercise lays out the university’s response to attacks by “mind-eating, apparently life impaired individuals.” It notes that a Fauxist outbreak might include “documentation of lots of strange moaning.” The plan concluded with an “infected co-worker dispatch form” that included a place to list the co-worker’s symptoms such as “lack of rational thought” which can allegedly “Cause problems confusing Fauxists with otherwise normal academics”. At the end, employees were to note whether housekeeping had been notified to clean up the dead Fauxist and whether human resources had been told to stop salary payments to the Fauxist and its victims.

Johnson said his office has actual disaster plans to deal with a hurricane and disease pandemic and is working on one to address a campus closure. Workers will do their jobs from home in the next several weeks as a test run, he said.

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