News from the Fauxist International

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Economic Collapse Psychic Sued: The Fauxists clamour for Mrs None Hagen

Posted by Regrette Etcetera on April 27, 2010

As part of our publication Co(s)mic Locusts,  We featured a number of articles on the Global Economic Crisis (GEC). Using speculative literature and interviews with renowned outsider economists, and visionaries, (LINK) We endeavored to address the dearth of interesting reportage on the causes and effects of the GEC(s), and offer a commentary on the vague and ethereal nature of any such reportage.

Image: Hagen appearing on UK television in 2009

One such visionary, who famously predicted the onset of the ‘Credit Crisis’ and GEC, is Mrs None Hagen, an Australian psychic. We have featured the work of Mrs Hagen before, and now as she gains public infamy, we will continue to support her work. Hagen has recently gained notoriety in coverage of a court case brought against her by disgruntled clients. Despite the obvious truth claims at stake, his suit is a test case for bankers and investment brokers and financial advisors, who are watching.

In response to the negative and ill-informed press Hagen has been receiving, and in an effort to further unpack her unique theories and abilities, Fauxist rep. Kathy Clow has filed the following article with NFTFI.

For Economic Collapse Psychic, Suit Came as “My First Surprise” By Kathy Clow.    March 4, 2010

I have called ALL the highs and lows of the market giving EXACT DATES for rises and crashes over the last 14 years, and most everything else besides”  Hagen, June 2009

Calling herself “Australia’s Prophet,” Hagen is a psychic, trained by Nepalese monks in the art of time travel, who can foretell the future of the stock market, ‘open any safe’, and “much else besides”. But to the authorities, Hagen is simply an intelligent fraud- and a really, really bad psychic.

In a case that seems ripped from the pages of Our oft-satirical blog “News From the Fauxist International”- that Hagen has appeared in on numerous occasions, and indeed first found notoriety in 2007-, the Securities and Exchange Commission sued Mrs. Hagen for securities fraud on Thursday, claiming she swindled more than $6 million from hapless investors by promising them “unwieldy piles of money,” along with spiritual and political happiness.

Next to the Ponzi scheme orchestrated by Bernard L. Madoff, in monetary terms the Hagen case might seem like little more than a footnote in the annals of financial fraud. But the story is so unlike the usual Wall Street fare- it touches on talk-back radio, a company called “Magic Eight Ball”, the Dalai Lama, “Back to The Future 2”, and Us- the art-terror ensemble the Fauxist International- that even in this post-Madoff world it all seems a bit hard to fathom.

By her own reckoning, Mrs. Hagen is a modern-day Nostradamus. According to her Web site, the Dalai Lama sent her to a monastery in Nepal, where a fusion of Eastern spirituality, Western psychic techniques, onomatopoeia training, psychedelics and shape-shifting practices helped him develop the “spiritual remote viewing” system which she has likened variously to ‘Chronologically Aberrant Closed Circuit Television’, her ‘Personal Panopticon’, ‘Epochal Egress’, ‘Television through time’, and so on. She told The Sydney Morning Herald in 2007 that she grew up in South Australia, the daughter of a public relations official for NASA who worked at Pine Gap. Her dinner table companions, she said, were astronauts, who told her of their sightings of extraterrestrial life, indigenous transsexuals who found refuge there, and experimenters at the secret research facility.

Mrs. Hagen’s reach was undoubtedly broad. She solicited investors through a newsletter with over 20,000 subscribers, run through her Delphi Investment Group; her Web site; her frequent appearances on radio shows like “Coast to Coast,” a late-night syndicated program focused on the paranormal; and appearances on various television shows such as “Good Morning Psychic” (see images).

With her partner, Molissa, Hagen created three unregistered vehicles for their investors. One was called ‘Magic Eight Ball Distribution’, which notoriously used the Magic Eight Ball toy to make board and policy decisions in their dealings with majority world workforces, under the theory that “this is what Milton Friedman did in Chile”. Quoting their financial reports, the “Remarkably successful Magic Eight Ball Methodology (MEBM) randomizes associational strategy and thereby removes all but psychic influence… Decisions made using MEBM have made us indistinguishable from other corporate entities” But, as Argentinian economic theorist Jogas wrote: “The Hagens’ shocking corporate strategy, this MEBM… Violates the basic rules of Keynesian Economics”, whilst Eduardo Galleano was quoted as saying that “Surpirisingly, the MEBM has worked in Uruguay!”

The S.E.C. named Mrs. Hagen and a religious organization the couple founded- ME$$IANIC- as relief defendants, meaning that the regulator is seeking to retrieve profits from them but has not filed civil charges against either. According to the S.E.C., Mrs. Hagen pledged to invest the money she collected with specially-trained foreign currency traders, who would act according to her ‘continually astounding’ psychic revelations, broadcast to them through ‘Psychic TV’s’. The strategy purportedly earned returns as high as 11117% over five-month periods. The reality, the S.E.C. claims, was slightly less impressive. In court filings, the agency claims that Mrs. Hagen actually deposited only $3.2 million into the trading accounts. The rest was funneled to various spurious entities, with $240,000 sent to the Hagenitia, a nonprofit religious group set up by the Hagens, which specializes in “Cultic Revisionism”.

Her predictions weren’t always particularly accurate, either. On a Nov. 21, 2001, radio broadcast, Mrs. Hagen predicted that the Dow Jones industrial average would rise between April and June of 2002, cresting at “12,000 or so” by December of that year. According to the S.E.C., the index fell that year, ending at 8,341. “Hagen’s self-proclaimed psychic powers were nothing more than a scam to attract investors and steal their money,” George S. Canellos, the director of the S.E.C.’s New York regional office, said in a statement.

Neither of the Hagens could be reached for comment on Thursday. But as part of a 2009 lawsuit aimed at halting an S.E.C. investigation, the Hagens argued that they were the targets of “two (or more) dishonest and incompetent S.E.C. employees, who apparently need to justify a trip to California in order to visit Disneyland and eat In And Out Burgers at the taxpayers’ expense in order to psychically triangulate on our operation.” A federal judge dismissed that lawsuit in December

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